Story 3- Where it all changed
When I was in high school I wanted to be a writer, I took journalism and loved writing poetry and short stories. In college I still wanted to be a writer, I graduated with a degree in english with a minor in journalism. I had a dream of writing for Vogue. I knew that was what I wanted and that was what I was going to do, it would be easy right? Wrong. I graduated in October 2008. Can anyone recall what season that was for the economy? Yeah, not a good one. But me being a 23 know-it-all decided it was a perfect idea to move to Hoboken and go after my dream. Oh boy, I would not call this a mistake because even though my 3 months of north Jersey living and waitress career was definitely not "fun", it was a definite life lesson. When we are young we think things will come easy. "Well I have a degree, I can produce some pretty good writing samples, what else do you want?" Um experience? Or how about a standing economy? I was clueless. Mind you, my cousin who I was living with was working with one of the most well-known celebrity hair stylist in NYC, RIta Hazan, and I still couldn't get the hook up. I decided I missed my friends and family and needed a new dream.
I moved back to south Jersey and got my master's degree in education. This time I knew I would be good, I would be a teacher and all would be perfect. I would get married and have kids and raise them in my quaint little town. (Although in the back of my mind and depths of my soul this was not what I wanted at all). Again, it was really difficult to find a full time teaching job even though I did what everyone told me to, politics won. At this point I was 27 living at my dad's house making $12 an hour at a pre-school. Something had to give. I thought I had control over my life; I thought I knew what I was doing and where I was going. I would work at the pre-school, come home and drink screw-drivers in the corner of the lazy-susan cabinet every night where my dad would find me crying saying how much I hated my job. The thing was, I was so afraid to give up control.
My faith was weak and my relationship with God was mediocre at best, until Sept 14, 2012. It was a Saturday morning and I was getting ready to go to a support walk for Autism. My mom called and said my aunt Nancy passed away. I had two aunt Nancy's I thought she meant my dad's sister, so I asked how my dad was because he was not home. She said no, it was my uncle's wife and she died suddenly in a car accident. I was in shock. My grandmother had died when I was 16, but I never had anyone else close to me die suddenly like that. I wasn't able to cry for some reason I just was numb. I was not very close with my aunt at the time however in high school I was extremely close with her because they lived with us while their house was getting built. I saw her that June at my brother's graduation party and I was telling her about a guy that was messing around with my brain for years and she kept saying he's not for you, he's not for you. That is the last advice I remember her giving to me. After the service was said and done I felt like I wanted to know God more. I wanted to have the kind of faith where I did not have to worry or be upset but to know whatever happened it was in God's plans. I was tired of making my own plans; I was tired of them going wrong. I was exhausted.
I started going to church consistently and getting closer to God. I was still living at home working at a home care company in Delaware making ok money but not enough to live on my own. I had been working for 4 years to pay off a ton of credit card debt. I didn't go out much; I drank cheap wine and spent weekends with my dad. I really wanted to get out of New Jersey. We went to visit my aunt in Clearwater that January and it was like 65-70 but the palm trees and sand made me happier than I had been in months. When I got off the plane back in Philly to 14 degrees I knew I was done. I had a new plan, and this time God was on board.
Proverbs 19:21 you can make many plans, but the Lord's purpose will prevail.