Hello Friday! Have a good week guys & gals? I’m pretty much on my way to being in the Hall-O-Fame for most FitBit staircases in 3 days after moving all weekend. I am such a serial mover but after this time, I am done-zo! Well at least till next year, ha. I donate so much crap every month and every time I move, but still somehow it ends up being more than I even started with the first time I moved. I just need to stop shopping!!!! …But then I wouldn’t have anything to write about and my future hopes & dreams are shot to shit. So, I really need to keep shopping to achieve future Jenn’s goals, I am doing it for her. There, justified!
This week’s blog is a little off of the fashion track and more on the fashionably late track. I say this because I am 31, single, not pregnant & according to my DR I am “approaching my mid 30s” (WHO’S MID?!?) and one day soon I’m going to wake up 40 years old as shit & it’s going to be too late to get a bun in my oven.. needless to say, I fired her. Let me set the record straight before you start reading- I am 105% A-Ok with being single & childless. I love children & men are tolerable, but for now, my sales, shopping and blogging careers take precedence over that- I’m building my empire, people. Oh, then there’s my inability to give up wine for longer than 5 consecutive days, let alone 9 grueling months, gross.
Anyway… I want to talk about dating, or better yet, lack thereof. I absolutely, positively hate dating (not relationships, just dating). I think it is the most unconventional, awkward and uncomfortable situation a human being can ever put themselves in. Yes, I am that girl who wants my man delivered to my door step with pasta and wine, while I binge watch Netflix in yoga pants and a tank top and I want him to say, “here I am, your perfect man. I love you forever – I brought you wine and complex carbohydrates and tomorrow we can go shoe shopping on me.” I don’t think that’s asking too much. I really just don’t have time to go through the whole “dating process” anyway. I have a full time job which sometimes is even fuller than full, (if my shit doesn’t sell, I don’t make money to buy all my shoes that I need to write about, so I need to work when I need to work — point blank). And ya know, I have this blog, and a dog, and friends who are probably way cooler and more fun than the Tinder nerd I would waste 3 hours interviewing across a table at a restaurant that is probably mediocre to begin with. I don’t even remember the last time I met a guy who was as cool as me and my friends and not married or gay…. like a moth to a flame.
As previously stated, I am a little abrasive, straight forward and flat out crass sometimes and these guys just can’t hack it. I don’t know if it’s Florida or what? I don’t recall having this issue in the northeast. The master’s degree and success at my job, on top of this extra special sauce of a personality also seem to not be appealing to the guys I meet because I guess it’s intimidating?! Honestly, if you can’t handle a woman who knows what she wants and goes after it, is maybe a little bit of a control freak, doesn’t want you wearing topsiders or black pants with a brown belt, and maybe wants you to iron your shirts once in a while, well I don’t wantcha! Where are all the men?! You know, MEN, the guys who are smart and sophisticated but also have rugged alpha side? I like to be in control but sometimes it gets exhausting and I want someone else to take the reins. I find that super-hot in a guy. Knowing that I am controlling but he doesn’t care because he’s passionate about finding us something amazing to do or buying me something that’s going to blow my mind. I will totally forget about all the plans I set as a backup in case his plan was a total snooze fest and bore me into a conscious sleep.
No but in all reality, ideally I want to meet a guy organically (not online, it’s just not for me, unless it’s through my friend’s awesome online dating app called “Deal Breakers” go download it!!) like at a Target on a Friday (I love Friday Target trips, that’s a secret about me, Friday Target trips to buy white tee shirts and toothbrushes. Weird obsesh I know) or brunch or picking strawberries or staring at bottles of wine in the aisle analyzing every detail on the bottle like I do. Why can’t life be like a movie? If my life was a movie, it would be The Ugly Truth. Katherine Heigl is my soul sister in that movie & look, she found someone to love her despite her crazy-ness and controlism. I suspect Jesus is gonna take the wheel on this and handle it all for me so I don’t really need to waste my limited time interviewing some loser for 3 hours over a sampler platter at Applebee’s, while I could be building my economical empire. I have 1.5 jobs already, I don’t need another! So, any guys out there who think they can make the cut- message me & then bring pasta & wine to Westpark Village! Oh, and I wear a 6.5 shoe!
I am heading to an awesome fashion show in Tampa this weekend & totally psyched about it. Will definitely share on it next week!